


left alone, i shall be

by tylerjoseoh



Series: push and pull [1]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-07-13 19:27:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16024436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tylerjoseoh/pseuds/tylerjoseoh
Summary: in which josh finds out about tyler's secret.





	left alone, i shall be

“hey, babe, you alright? you’ve been in there a while,” josh’s voice rang through the bathroom door, and tyler imagined him standing there, forehead resting against the wooden frame, staring down and fiddling with his hands. a small smile tugged at the corners of his lips. 

 

“yeah, i’ll be out in just a minute, okay?” his voice still sounded quite hoarse from all of the crying he had just finished doing, but he assumed josh couldn’t tell because he heard a muffled, “alright, i’ll be waiting for you,” and the padding of feet back to their shared bed. 

 

tyler sighed and leaned on his palms, looking up at himself in the mirror. his eyes were red-rimmed and glossy, his lips were chapped and dry, and he was paler than usual; his veins were slightly visible through his skin. he ran a hand through his messy, greasy hair and grabbed the box of bandages he had been going through with more frequency than he’d care to admit. only this time, the box was empty. he cursed under his breath. 

 

“wonderful,” he muttered, tossing the box into the trashcan angrily. he knew if he didn’t cover his cuts up, they would get irritated and infected and he didn’t want even more of a problem to deal with. but just to his luck, him and josh had absolutely no other bandages. after more useless rummaging and a few mumbled curse words, he decided, “fuck it,” and pulled down the sleeves of his hoodie before returning to the bedroom. 

 

he knew josh would find out eventually, and he was absolutely petrified. josh had the tendency to yell, and it wasn’t that he was insensitive or uncaring--truthfully, he cared too much--it was just that anger swelled up inside of him so quickly and boiled out ruthlessly that he’d end up doing more harm than good. it was the main reason tyler never came to him for help. still, he pressed on, his feet carrying him towards the bed.

 

“hey,” he said when he reached the bed. his voice was barely above a whisper. josh looked up from his phone and gave a small smile, scooting over to give him more room. tyler crawled into bed, curling into his boyfriend’s chest. 

 

“so uh, what took you so long in there? i assumed you were like, pooping or something, but i never heard the toilet flush so i thought maybe something else was up. everything alright?” josh questioned, running his hand up and down tyler’s back. 

 

tyler struggled to come up with an answer. 

 

“oh, y-yeah, i'm fine. i kind of felt like i was going to throw up earlier. that's all,” he said. his voice was weak and shaky, very obviously displaying his anxiousness. 

 

josh stopped rubbing tyler’s back and instead wrapped his arm around him to pull him closer. “alright,” he said, leaving a kiss on tyler’s temple. “i hope you feel better.”

 

tyler hummed lightly. “thank you,” he said, nuzzling closer into josh. “love you.” 

 

\-- 

 

a few days had passed since tyler had last hurt himself and his cuts were scabbed over and itchy. he rubbed his arm through his thin sweatshirt against the side of the table while him and josh discussed their plans for the day over breakfast. 

 

“...and brendon invited us over for a party so i thought we would go swimming or something.”

 

“what?” 

 

josh’s eyebrow twitched at tyler’s frantic tone. he spoke slowly, “swimming. i said we could go swimming. it'd be nice.” 

 

tyler swallowed down the lump in his throat and scratched the back of his neck. “i, uh, i don't know. i was kind of in the mood to stay in today.” 

 

josh puffed air out of his nose. “tyler, you've stayed in the house all week. i want to do something.” 

 

tyler stared down at his bowl of cereal, swirling the crumbs around in the milk with his spoon. “you can go,” he said. “i'll stay here. i want to stay here.” 

 

josh huffed loudly. “what is wrong with you?”

 

tyler winced at the sudden change in his tone. he swallowed thickly and shook his head. “nothing,” he said. 

 

“that's bullshit,” josh spat. tyler still wasn't looking at him but he could feel the burn of his stare. a blush rose up his cheeks.

 

“don't think i haven't noticed how strange you've been acting lately,” josh said. “you haven't showered in four days, you barely sleep, and i'm pretty sure this is the first time i've actually seen you eat this week. what is going on?” 

 

tyler finally looked up at josh. tears pricked the corners of his eyes and he had to bite his lip to keep it from trembling. “i, uh-” his voice was thick. “i just- i’ve been having a really rough week. i don’t know what else to tell you.” he scratched at his arm. it had become involuntary at this point. it didn’t take long for josh to notice. 

 

“why do you keep scratching at your arm like that?” 

 

tyler immediately stopped and placed both of his hands in his lap. “i think i got bit by a spider or something. we didn’t have any bandages to put over it so i think it got infected,” he said, thinking frantically. josh only sighed and brought his hands up to rub at his face. 

 

“why are you lying to me, tyler?” he said, his voice displaying no emotion. “and don’t say you aren’t. i can see right through that bullshit you just told me. i want you to tell me what has been going on with you.” 

 

“i already told you, josh. there’s nothing wrong with me,” tyler’s voice wavered slightly and he pinched his leg to keep himself from crying. “i’ve just had a rough week is all.” 

 

“jesus christ, tyler!” josh began raising his voice. “do you honestly think i am going to believe that? you haven’t acted like yourself in days and you won’t even take the time to tell me what the hell is wrong with you! i’m getting so fed up with this!”

 

josh stood up from the table and slammed his chair against it as he walked away. 

 

“maybe i’d tell you things if you weren’t such a dick about everything.” 

 

josh paused his movement and turned around. 

 

“excuse me?” 

 

tyler kept his place at the table and stared straight ahead. “you heard exactly what i said. i don’t ever tell you things because you act like such an asshole. you yell, you stomp around, you slam things,” he motioned at the chair across from him. “it’s almost like you love me up until you realize how fucked up i am.” 

 

“i do love you, tyler!” josh made his way over to the table. “but i can’t fucking help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong! you do this shit all the time; you mope around and act so fucking helpless but won’t accept help when it’s right in front of you!”

 

“this is what you call help?” tyler said, finally rising from the table. “you’re making it worse, josh! you make everything worse!”

 

“making what worse, tyler?” josh spat. “oh wait, i’m sorry! you can’t tell me, right? you won’t fucking tell me because you like being fucking miserable, don’t you?” 

 

“shut up!” tyler’s voice rang loudly in the kitchen and josh took a step back. “just shut the fuck up! you don’t understand how fucking hard it is for me! you'll never fucking understand the amount of energy it takes for me to function throughout the day; to do anything,” he says, wiping the tears from his cheeks. “and you don’t help it at all! you make it worse by treating me like an inconvenience. for someone who is supposed to make me happy, you make me wish i was dead.” 

 

josh’s face softened. “tyler, i-”

 

“no! don’t even fucking start. you’re going to try to tell me you’re sorry and that you didn’t mean anything you said but you and i both know damn well that you meant every fucking word that came out of your mouth!” tyler ran a frantic hand through his hair. “and you know what, josh?” he pushed up the sleeve of his shirt and held his arm out, “ _ this  _ is what the fuck is wrong with me. is this what you wanted? are you fucking happy now?”

 

josh only stared at the ground. for a few moments, the only noise in the room was tyler’s sniffles. after a while, josh finally spoke. 

 

“i’m sorry, tyler,” he said. his voice was low, almost a whisper. his gaze remained fixated on the tile floor. “and i know that you don't believe me. i'm not asking you to, i'm not going to tell you to, but i am sorry, and i want you to know that i would do everything i could to take back everything i said to you. i meant it then, but now, i regret every word that i said. i care about you so much; i love you so much, and it breaks my heart to know that you've been suffering in silence this entire time. i wish i could do something to help you, tyler. i truly do. i'm so sorry.” 

 

josh wiped the tears from his cheeks and sighed loudly. tyler stared back at him with swollen eyes and stained cheeks.

 

“how do i know you're not going to do that again, josh?” his voice was small. “how-how can i trust that you'll be there for me after this? how do i know you're not going to leave?” 

 

josh brought his gaze up to meet tyler’s. “i don't know,” he said. “i don't know.” 

 

the two of them remained there for another moment, the air thick and the silence deafening. 

 

“i don't think i can do this anymore,” tyler muttered, finally breaking the silence. josh furrowed his brows together. 

 

“what?” 

 

tyler made a gesture in the air. “this,” he said. “i don't think i can do it anymore. i love you, josh, but i'm just not happy.” 

 

“tyler, wait-” 

 

“no, josh,” he said, his voice emotionless. “i think i need a break from us. i need some time to figure things out. i need to fix myself before i try to put my focus on anything else.”

 

josh took a step towards tyler, taking him by the shoulders to look him in the face. 

 

“tyler, please don’t do this. i’m sorry for what i said. i know i fucked up and i can’t take any of that back but please give me a chance to help you. i will do anything, absolutely anything and everything to help you.” 

 

tyler only stared blankly.

 

“this isn’t something you can ‘fix’, josh. this is  _ my _ problem.  _ i _ am the one who’s fucked up. and i’m the only person who can fix this. i’m just not capable of being in a relationship right now.” he shimmied his way out of josh’s grasp and into their bedroom where he began packing his belongings. josh eventually made his way to the room, standing under the threshold as he watched tyler stuff his clothes into a duffle bag. 

 

“where are you gonna go?” he asked.

 

“i don’t know,” tyler said without looking up. “i just know that here isn’t where i need to be.”

 

josh only stood in silence for a while, observing tyler as he paced around the room, looking for anything else that belonged to him. 

 

“i love you, tyler,” he said. 

 

tyler sighed and slung one strap of his backpack over his shoulder and picked up the duffel bag. “i love you too, josh,” he said. 

 

“then why leave?” josh questioned. 

 

tyler made his way over to where josh stood, stopping in front of him. “because there is a difference between telling someone you love them and acting like it.” 

 

he snaked his way around josh, down the stairs, and through the front door. josh desperately wanted to follow- to run and scream and plead for tyler to stay, but he didn’t. his legs felt like they were made of steel, pinning him down. he felt like he would collapse at any movement. 

 

the muffled sound of tyler’s engine came from outside, and josh only listened as he reversed out of the driveway and drove away, taking with him everything in which josh had found hope.

**Author's Note:**

> to be continued?
> 
> ahhh i haven't posted on here in such a long time! it feels nice to be back. my life has been so hectic lately that i've only just now found time to write something. i hope you guys enjoyed it! let me know how a part two to this sounds :))


End file.
